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Out of all of our programs, we receive the most questions on Get Him Running Back To You, and understandably so. Because let’s be honest… every relationship is completely unique.
We took 7 of the top requested questions to Matthew himself to create this one-stop FAQ for the program Get Him Running Back To You. ( Don't have the program yet? Read more on what you can expect!)
QUESTION 1: I am sticking to the 'No-Contact rule' but he sent me a message. Should I reply?
So…let's suppose it's 14 days after the breakup.
You're sticking to the program, following each step, getting your life back together with No-Contact, when all of a sudden…BZZZZZZZTTTT…
Your phone vibrates.
It's him! Quick, what to do??
The message says, 'Hey Natalie, how are things? Been up to much this week?'
You feel excited. Elated. But you're supposed to be AVOIDING contact. Do you ignore it? Or do you jump at the chance to get in touch and talk to him for the next hour?
Answer: Neither.
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Remember, there are dozens of reasons he might be texting: he may be lonely, he may feel guilty about the breakup and want to know if you're ok, he may be thinking about sex (yep, it happens), he might just be curious…
The point is, him being in touch is NOT instantly a sign that you can get back together.
However, sending him NOTHING at this stage may be a step too far. So what you need to do is meet him where he is.
Send him a short message back. Say, 'Hey, things are good thanks. Just doing {insert some fun activity/work project you've been doing recently}, hope you're doing well too. X'
Keep it VERY short. Do not push the conversation forward. Do not use it as an excuse to start asking him fifty questions about what he's doing and whether he's met someone new. Just keep it brief, and resist the urge to spill your emotions.
If he keeps responding, keep the conversation to 3-4 texts and then text him and say, 'Anyway, got to go now. Nice to catch up.'
If he keeps probing to find out if you're hurt about the breakup, just say to him: 'Look, I know this is difficult for us both but it's not helping to talk about this right now. I need more time to move on and I can't do that by discussing this with you.'
The rule is this: If he gets in touch during the No-Contact period, simply give him a short answer back, keep it very brief, and do NOT ask any questions back. If he keeps texting, have 3-4 texts minimum with him then say goodbye.
Only engage him in real conversation if he says he wants to talk about the prospect of working things out. If not, do not spend time becoming an emotional outlet for his feelings at this stage.
QUESTION 2: We are at the same workplace and my work involves talking to him at times. I can't do the no-contact rule.
Do you 100% have to talk to him at work? Are you sure?
If the answer really is yes, then keep conversation strictly limited to work and nothing else.
While you can't cut ALL contact with him, you can have the same effect as a No-Contact period by ceasing all the things you used to do before you broke up.
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That means: No 'casual chats' at lunch, no casual texts/emails/phone calls, no hanging out in groups together after work.
The best thing you can do is let him feel the absence of your normal social contact right now.
You need him to notice you NOT being around - if he's used to lots of flirty banter and fun inside jokes with you in the office, cut these immediately and start finding other social groups to be a part of for a while.
Even after the no-contact rule, do not return to your old flirtatious fun ways with him. Be friendly and civil, but build your own independent friendships and keep him guessing about your social life outside of work.
Once the 21-day period has expired, you can start to consider taking the next steps as mentioned in the program, but until then keep a strong distance between you.
QUESTION 3: We have a child together. Do I completely ignore him within the no-contact rule?
I'm not going to pretend that children don't change things, because let's face it, they do.
There are 1,000 different scenarios, but there's every chance that if you have children together, your ex is going to be a part of their life.
And that's ok.
But you still need to put EMOTIONAL distance between the two of you. That means, even if he needs time with your children, don't indulge in any long 'emotional catch up' conversations or post-mortems with him about the relationship during the 21-day No-Contact period. Nor should you text, phone, or email for any kind of general day-to-day conversation.
Keep your sense of being separate from him now – he needs to be guessing about what you might be doing when he's not around.
The most important part of the No-Contact rule is creating a sense of separation and distance. If you do that, you're doing it right (even if you HAVE to see him now and then for your children's sake).
QUESTION 4: When I sent him the goodby letter, he replied. Should I reply as well?
No. The goodbye letter is a chance to express your feelings, not to open up a conversation.
When you send this letter, it's your chance to show that you accept the breakup and are able to leave things on a positive note.
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If he replies, do not use this as a chance to start a conversation to further mourn the relationship. Send the letter/email, put it out of mind, and start moving on with your life.
If you end up using the letter to engage in conversation after the letter then it defeats its purpose: It comes off looking as though you sent it tactically to bait your ex into talking to you again.
Believe me, if you ever want a chance of rekindling this relationship, you need to be willing to let things lie for a while instead of jumping at every chance to be in touch with him.
Resist the urge now and it will pay off later when your ex is ten times more curious about what's going on in your life without him.
QUESTION 5: I bought the program months after we broke up. Would the 21 day no-contact rule still apply?
Yes!
Simply start the 21 days of 'No Contact' from when you begin the program.
The 21-day rule is simply about putting emotional distance between you and your ex (which will give you a much higher chance of attracting him back later). It doesn't matter if it's 5 days or 5 weeks (or longer) after your break up.
If you spend a lot of time together talking and hanging out at the moment, you're probably too much like his new 'buddy' and could end up in the dreaded friend zone.
Some distance now is going to create curiosity and mystery, both of which are your friends at this stage – this gives him a chance to compare his life without you and truly notice your absence from his life.
Apply the 21-day rule and just make it your mission not to initiate contact in that time from whenever you begin the program (assuming you're in contact with your ex right now).
If you're still talking to your ex, and you think cutting him off will seem sudden, make sure to send him a text, email, or letter (see the section on the Goodbye Letter in the main program for more detail) and let him know your reasons for not contacting him.
For example:
'Hey John, I know we've still been in touch a lot since breaking up, but I've realised that us being so close is making it too difficult for me to move on from our relationship. In time, I'm sure we can be friendly, but I need to be able to get over any romantic feelings I still have for you before that can happen. To do that I'm going to stop contacting you from now on, and hope you'll give me the same courtesy. I'm still open to talking if you want to discuss us giving things another try between us (though I'm unsure myself whether that's something I want at the moment). I wish you all the best either way and I'm glad we could leave things on a good note.'
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This is going to do two things: (1) it gives you a chance to prove you're moving on, and (2) it gives him an opening to rekindle the relationship later if he changes his mind.
QUESTION 6: I already broke the no-contact rule. Do I count from the date we broke up, or from the date I stopped texting him?
Start counting the 21-days of No-Contact from whatever date you choose to stop contacting him.
People tend to obsess over when they have to start this rule, with many panicking that their situation may be hopeless if they haven't done it immediately after the break up. But that's not the case; it's simply about starting from where you are NOW.
If your ex already is in contact with you – that's OK – but it's important for you now to send him a message to say that you need some separation and are moving forward with your own life.
So don't panic if you've already been in contact since the break up. That's perfectly normal. Just push 'reset' now and start your recovery from this moment forward.
QUESTION 7: He says he wants his things back. Should I ignore it or give him his things?
Give him his stuff back, even if you're in the No-Contact period.
Why?
Because anything else makes it seem like you're clinging onto the relationship by holding his possessions hostage.
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What's more, giving back his things is a NECESSARY STEP – you need to purge your life of all this baggage after a break up and you should have no fear about getting these objects out of your home.
Don't keep his t-shirt, his sweater, his tennis racket, the book he lent you – give him back whatever is his and feel happy about purging yourself of the constant reminders of your ex.
I'm not saying you have to erase all your memories of the relationship. If you have an album of photos you want to save, just store them on a hard drive away from your laptop and then leave them alone. Do not keep looking at old memories (seriously – it will only prolong your pain at this stage).
I've heard from women who have freaked out at the moment a guy asks for his stuff back. 'Does this mean it's over for good?' they ask. The truth is, you can't read into this too much. And what's more, it's actually a great opportunity to show that you have accepted the decision and are able to move on.
Moreover, if you ignore his request you'll just seem childish and petty, and at worst he'll see you as clingy and it will only strengthen his resolve to free himself from your relationship.
The more cleanly and efficiently you return his things, the better message it sends. It tells him: 'I'm not clinging onto the relationship and I'm happy to put this breakup past us without fuss.'
If he comes over to get his stuff and ends up having a talk to clear the air, then that's perfectly fine (but don't force this - make sure you have his things ready when he comes so that it doesn't seem like you're forcing him to linger while you hunt through your house for all his stuff).
Returning his things is just another part of a break up.
Don't panic as though it's some official final step that you can never recover from. It's all part of the process of healing (which you really need to focus on before anything else). Oh, and make sure you read my brother Stephen's breakup recovery guide included with the program for more on how to move on and become happier than ever in the process!